i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
