I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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