I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You work out of a Hotel?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
