And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Your mouth is God's brothel.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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