Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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