Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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