The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
