I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
