so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
