the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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