Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I love having hate sex.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
