I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
