Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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