Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
