you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
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