Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
