I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Randomize
