I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
