Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
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