the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
