Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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