Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
