we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I intend to get homeless drunk
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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