if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
