last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
