Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
