Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
