She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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