Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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