My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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