Your dad touched me again.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
