I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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