i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
