There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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