Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
