No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
