Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
