He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
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i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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