I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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