Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Randomize