i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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