I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
