I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
