I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
