There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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