i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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