his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
