I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
