We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
