im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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