My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
