the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
