I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
