dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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