New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
